,,Und wenn Du einfach nicht mehr kannst, komm zu mir und Ich bringe Dich nach Hause.”
Das hat er mir immer gesagt. Nicht nur einmal besoffen, momentan verliebt.
Egal ob wir mit Freunden oder bei der Arbeit waren, oder ob seine Frau im anderen Zimmer stand. Nie wird er mich verlassen.
So oft hat er mir diese Worte gesagt, so klar und offensichtlich, dass sie zu einer Leitmotif unserer Beziehung geworden sind.
Interessant, wie mächtig Worte sind; was sie für Bedeutungen tragen.
Ein Satz, eine Gedanke.
Wie weit wir gekommen sind, seitdem er das erste Mal die Worte gesprochen hat, ist unmassbar. Unfassbar. Kaum zu glauben. So vieles ist uns Passiert. Unsere Geschichte.
Wenn man sich mit einem verheirateten Partner findet, entdeckt man jawohl neue Perspektive. Wir sind alle so gewöhnt daran, dass uns Sachen gehören–ob Dinge oder Menschen, jeder hat seins.
Ich werde nie meinen Liebhaber haben können. Zu findest nicht physisch. Sein Geist, seine Energie, gehören mir stattdessen. Beide sind Sachen, die ich nur spüren kann. Anfassen, berühren, behalten–niemals. Ich muss sie immer wieder loslassen.
Unsere Zeit zusammen ist ein Wind, der durchs Fenster kommt; die Blätter der Bücher bewegen sich, die Luft des Raumes wird erfrischt, eine Flamme des Kerzens tanzt. Aber sobald er Weg ist, ist alles wie zuvor. Kein Spur das er da war. Nur Erinnerungen.
October 26, 2017
“And when you simply cannot carry on anymore, come to me, and I will bring you home.”
He always said this to me. Not just once, drunk and momentarily in love. Always. It did’t matter if we were with friends or at work, or if his wife was standing in the other room. He would never leave me.
He said this so often that this sentence became a leitmotif in our relationship. It’s interesting how powerful words are; what they carry for meaning. One sentence, one thought.
How far we have come since he said those words to me for the first time is immeasurable. Unbelievable. So much has happened to us. Our Story.
When one finds herself involved with a married partner, one discovers many new perspectives. We are all so used to having things that belong to us–if things or people, everyone has their own.
I will never be able to have my lover. At least not physically. His soul, his energy belong to me instead. Both are things that I can only feel. Reaching out to touch, place my hands on, be able to hold on to–never. I must always let them go again.
Our time together is like a wind that comes in through the window; the pages of books move, the air in the room is freshened and renewed, and the flame of a candle dances. But as soon as it is gone, everything is just like it was before–no trace that it was ever there. Just memories.
I don’t tell him nearly enough, but my father, who is an architecture connoisseur and long-time Frank Lloyd Wright enthusiast, is a man in my life for whom I am truly grateful. As a small gesture to show him some love, I booked us tickets to tour Wrights home and studio in Oak Park. To our great surprise, we discovered that the Robie House, gem of the Wright Prairie style movement was offering gratis entry today as well. After a lunch at a Forest Park diner, where we took a seat at the counter to enjoy our lunch, we headed south to Hyde Park. And that is where we found out that the whole city was offering the opportunity to visit architectural gems, with a tour included, for free. Apparently, it had been going on all weeekend, and we had been ignorant of the facts and late to the party, as it were. But, late or not, we arrived, and it was an absolute treasure of a day. I couldn’t possibly list all the things that I not only love and appreciate about my dad, but also have had the fortune of inheriting from him as well. My time with him was incredibly fulfilling; from the dialogue and laughs to the deep understanding and appreciation for art and design. It was beautiful. Pictures cannot capture a meaningful relationship in its entirety, but they are wonderful triggers that will transport me to precisely this day for many years to come. (Featured image is Wrights home)
It is perpetually remarkable to me how the passage of time knows no slowness; yesterday, there was snow on the ground, and many of us were wishing for a new beginning and a better year in 2017. Today, it is summertime in the Windy City, and half of 2017 has run its course. And I sit here and think, “Well, that went fast.”
In another life, perhaps, I would be on the tail-end of my Euro-Excursion; the three week trip I planned last December that would’ve started me in Berlin to visit good friends, seen me through a solo trip to Scotland, and ended in Greece, basking or burning on the shores of the Aegean in the company of a dear friend. Thanks to my new job, the trip was not one I could take, but I can’t find any remorse because I am incredibly happy and grateful to be where I am. I know that, in the big picture, there will be other opportunities for travel. Right now, though, I have to take advantage of other opportunities as they present themselves.
This weekend, for example, has been one of a lot of light and a lot of love. Friday evening was the finale to a year of mentoring an incredible young woman from Lebanon. I took her to a sushi dinner, we went shopping, and ended the evening with a pile of custard to eat. What is most remarkable about my time with her is that, though she is sixteen years old, she has the wisdom and grace that most adults strive to find. I am continually astounded by her astute remarks and beliefs about life. In fact, if I were ever to have a daughter, I would hope that she would turn out to be like this girl: a beautiful and enlightened, intuitive and gracious student of the world. It moved me deep within when she expressed how much I had helped her during her year on exchange, and that my advice had had the power to tweak her perspective. All I could ever desire is having the ability to reach someone with my words. And, apparently, I had done just that. Wow, such an honor. What she maybe didn’t realize, though, was how much she had helped me during the last year. It was symbiotic really; I mentored her, and she most certainly did the same for me. And I cannot thank the universe enough for sending her into my life. I will miss her physical presence terribly, but I am tremendously grateful to have had the time to share with her and look forward to staying connected in the future.
As I went into Saturday, I was rather wary and unsure about where the day would take me. I was jointly attending my son’s preschool picnic with my ex, and time with him is truthfully never an occasion I look very much forward to. However, I was determined to spend as much time as possible getting to know the other parents and building new relationships with like-minded people. Et viola, that is exactly what I did. Though he was present and part of some of the conversations, I focused my energy on putting my best face forward, fully embracing the moments in which I could potentially make a new friend, or learn something from the other parents. It went better than I ever could have expected, and I walked away from the gathering with a sense of hope and gratitude for the exchanges that I had been able to be a part of.
Thirty minutes later, I was parallel parking in front of a cute building on a quiet street in Pilsen, Chicago. One of my best friends had recently moved into an apartment there, and I was going to see it for the first time. As the breeze sailed in through the windows of her charming and spacious apartment, we sat on the couch and talked about life and all its facets, while sipping a cold beer. I mean, honestly, does it get any better than that? An Uber ride later and we were on the North Side, pushing through the garden gate of a friend of hers to drink more beer and socialize while the sounds and smells of Division Fest provided entertainment on the other side of the fence. For the second time that day, I felt extremely welcome by the other attendees, and I was able to meet a lot of really awesome people. The motif of the day, I realized, was that meeting new people and having meaningful exchanges bring incredible value to a day, hour, or moment.
As we walked through the festival, hanging on to each other so we wouldn’t be swallowed and separated by the crowd, I found myself smiling at strangers and they smiled in return. I noticed in detail the smells from the food vendors, and picked up on tidbits of conversation as we passed by other groups of festival-goers. It was incredible to be so present in the moment.
While in the line for Döner Kebap and curry fries (where I also found Club Mate!), we mused about the quandaries presented when dating a total stranger. It was a group conversation of both men and women, and it was as funny as it was informative to trade ideas and stories about such things with others who were seeking the same things as we were: namely, food, companionship, a laugh, advice, and connection with other humans.
Back at hers, after the sun had set, we sat on the back deck and drank red wine mixed with soda. The antennae of the Willis Tower glowed in the near distance, and we continued our more private conversations from earlier in the day. It was still remarkably perfect weather, and we were able to lose track of time as we laughed, conversed, and listened to music. Though it was late and I had been up early, the powerful feeling of rejuvenation prevailed, eliminating the feeling of exhaustion that seems to be present quite often on weeknights.
Times like these show me how incredibly fortunate I am. I am very much aware that my life is nowhere near perfect, and there are many instances that cause me stress overload where I need to remind myself to take a few deep breaths in order to save the situation. However, there are also so many beautiful moments that are so full of happiness and light, that hanging on to the energy from these is powerful enough to keep me afloat during the times when I feel like the dark rabbit hole is threatening to pull me back in. Sometimes, it takes a lot of effort to maintain a healthy mind, other times, letting go and being effortless is all I need to do.
As time goes on, though, I make a habit of reminding myself that there are so many reasons to be happy. Even if a day sees plenty of blockers, there is at least one moment that can be flooded with happiness or gratitude. And that one, single, solitary, moment makes all the difference.